I… am a white guy. My dance moves… are sub-par, yet iconic. In fact, my skills on the dance floor are so iconic, I was able to find an infographic teaching you how to do them, so that you may get the enviable chance to feel just what it’s like to be a white guy on the dance floor*cough* (loser). So, find a pair of 80’s style sneakers, and let’s cut footloose!
Before we begin our first move, it is of utmost importance that you understand when performing these moves, you mustn’t execute them exactly as described. This will bring the “white guy” element you’re searching for, and if the moves themselves don’t deter others from dancing near you, by God, not performing them correctly will, and that’s all you’re really trying to do in the first place.
It is equally important that you only choose three moves from the prescribed list to perform throughout the night. You want people to see just how much of a white guy you are, so choose your favorite moves and don’t stop alternating through them. And in fact, just don’t stop dancing at all. Be bold, even if you’re not sure how. Just use those three moves as often as you can for the entirety of the night, and you’re guaranteed to repel all attractive people there.
A good starting point is The Sprinkler. It’s a classic, and you can’t go wrong with it if you’re a beginner. The Sprinkler also segways nicely into The Running Man. This transition will establish you as the white guy of the party, but you’re not in the clear yet. You see, there’s still hope that you might just be someone goofing around. So I urge you to end with The Baconator, an explosive burst of ridiculousness that’s sure to leave the crowd not wanting more.
So good luck to you, my fellow white guys. I hope to not see you at the next get-together.